smanjali (smanjali) wrote,
smanjali
smanjali

wait a second...

i'm realizing that perhaps my self-image isn't all based on my own neuroses. most of my life i've had to fight to get people to listen to me. it's strange really, in school, i'm this vocal powerhouse where i get respect and people listen to me and discuss with me. but as soon as i get in real-world situations, everything i say seems to go over people's heads. nobody cares. for a while, i would blatantly repeat over and over which cab was our cab to my parents as they took ten minutes to walk around and look at each one to finally figure out it was the one i had been pointing at the entire time. or that the elevator floor i told my dad we were parked on was where we were as we got back on the elevator because he pushed another button. so now they listen more often now. but why didn't they listen in the first place? i tell people how to pronounce things and they go on as they were before because i obviously couldn't know more than they, it must actually be "who-kah"...what do i know about indians, i'm only half? when asked about a nice wine, whatever i suggest isn't chosen because i can't really know that much anyway. i'm given step by step instructions when i go to the airport alone, even though i'm there all the time and traveling on round-trip tickets. i'm not allowed to go to a movie in south seattle with friends when i'm 22, but my sister is allowed to go to a non-chaperoned house in oregon with friends when she's 18. sometimes i would say something i noticed, friends (of the male variety) would shrug it off as if i were over-reacting and then when they noticed it later on, they would think that they had noticed it all by themselves, or at least their situation was Much different than what i could have experienced. what is it? is it because i'm short? am i that unassuming? people don't listen to me. for some reason, i have trouble making myself heard unless i'm screaming and mad. i swear i don't look THAT young. while it's frustrating now, it makes me think about interviewing for jobs and how i'll be treated in the workplace. will i have to same problems there? will i always be treated like this or is it just stupid boys and men that feel this way? it is mostly boys that treat me this way. my friends that are girls just seem to know better and even my mom seem to know better. sexism? heightism? ageism? i don't reallly know, but it's starting to piss me off. i might actually know about things other than academics so lay down your ego and start paying attention, dammit.
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